Tuesday, January 31, 2012

First visit from the tooth fairy



Brady hit a big milestone yesterday.  He lost his first tooth!!!  It seems like just yesterday we were so excited that he got his first tooth.  He was very excited to put his tooth in his tooth fairy box and was even more excited to find $5.00 the next morning.  When we were talking about what he could do with the money, I suggested saving it for our next trip to Disney.  All on his own Brady said he was raising money for the Relay for life and was going to put it toward that!  WOW I am a very PROUD mommy.  maybe all my talk about giving back is actually getting through!!  Congrats to my big boy!!  We love you!!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

gone but never forgotten

It has taken me a little while to be able to write this, but I decided that it may actually help me heal to write it all out.

November 13th 2011, We got that double line on the home pregnancy test that we had been waiting for.  Brian and I had decided that we would like to have one more child to complete our family.  The timing had worked out great we were goin gto be due on July 22, 2012.  That was great because Brian isn't too busy with work during the summer and I have less kids during the summer for daycare.  We told everyone the news on Thanksgiving day.  We were so thankful!! We had even decided to tell the boys.  We never thought that we would miscarry.  The boys were so excited.  Brady especially!  It warmed my heart to see how welcoming my children were going to be to their new brother or sister.  We got through the holidays and had our first ultrasound scheduled for Decemeber 29th.  THat day we had Brian's parent's watch the boys and we went for the ultrasound.  After the tech took us in and started the ultrasound I knew right away that I was not seeing a heartbeat.  I didn't say anything at first cause I didn't want to come off as one of the know it all moms.  She decided to change over to an internal ultrasound saying that I wasn't too far along and she needed to see some things better.  I Still had hope at this point, She switched over to the internal ultrasound and I knew as soon as I saw the screen that there was still no heartbeat. I finally asked the tech if we should be able to see the heartbeat. She said yes and I imediatley started to cry.  I asked how big the baby was measuring and she said 8 weeks 6 days.  according to the doctors calculations I shoul dhave been 10 weeks 4 days.  We went up to my doctors office where we discussed my options.  at that point I said I wanted to let it happen naturally but I asked if I decided to have a D&C if I could have one more ultrasound just to be 100% sure.  I waited about 5 days and nothing happened on its own.  It was absolute torture.  to know you are walking around with your dead baby inside of you does something to you.  I also had a tiny little piece of hope that they were wrong, that I was going to go back for an ultrasound and find a healthy baby.  January 5th I went in for my last ultrasound.  my mom came with me and held my hand through the whole the thing.  They confirmed my worst nightmare.  there was still no heartbeat and the baby was still measuring at 8weeks 6 days.  I scheduled the D&C for the next day, but before I left the ultrasound I did manage to get a picture.  Jan. 6 2012 I said one last goodbye to my baby.  never knowing if it was a boy or a girl I think was one of the hardest things for me.  I know lots of people go through this.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who reached out to me and told me their story.  I'm moving forward.  This is something I will never forget.  I will always wonder what this child would have been like, who it would have looked like, how the boys would have interacted with a new baby.  how it would have changed our family dynamics. and of course I have gone down the why? road a couple times but have decided that why this happened I will probably never know.  But I know that as a family this is something that we will get through together.